ACCUSATIONS at the general Poetic Masses hereabouts, TorF?

You do not Duel because...

you despise Mahayr.	4.2%	[ 1 ]
you despise someone else in here.	12.5%	[ 3 ]
you are, as accused, CHICKEN!	8.3%	[ 2 ]
it is beneath you, you are just that good. BUT too chicken to prove it.	0.0%	[ 0 ]
you have too much on your plate for lowly duels, and are CHICKEN!	4.2%	[ 1 ]
there is not enough to be gained, you are greedy.	25.0%	[ 6 ]
Other... post your own answer.	45.8%	[ 11 ]
Total Votes:			[ 24 ]

[Zero is an Integer]

Sin Apophis

zero the last decepticon

Sin Apophis

I read both of the poems as well, Zero, and I have to agree. They both did a wonderful job. They're both great poems.

Yeah. sweatdrop

I was like, "What do I do? What do I do?!?!" gonk

Ahahaha. I wouldn't have flipped a coin, though. I favored Ves, though that was a hard decision even though I wasn't judging them. I loved them both.

It just seemed to me to be the most fair thing to do.

[Sin Apophis]

zero the last decepticon

Sin Apophis

zero the last decepticon

Sin Apophis

I read both of the poems as well, Zero, and I have to agree. They both did a wonderful job. They're both great poems.

Yeah. sweatdrop

I was like, "What do I do? What do I do?!?!" gonk

Ahahaha. I wouldn't have flipped a coin, though. I favored Ves, though that was a hard decision even though I wasn't judging them. I loved them both.

It just seemed to me to be the most fair thing to do.

Undoubtedly, in your case.

[Eilianna]

Thank you for judging. I didn't expect to win against vespertine anyway, but to come close in the end was satisfaction for me enough. Thank you Vespertine for dueling against me, and thank you Zero for taking your time to evaluate the poems. Now if I may humbly ask, do you accept my challenge?

[Zero is an Integer]

isis79

Thank you for judging. I didn't expect to win against vespertine anyway, but to come close in the end was satisfaction for me enough. Thank you Vespertine for dueling against me, and thank you Zero for taking your time to evaluate the poems. Now if I may humbly ask, do you accept my challenge?

Get to me when I finish up with the one that I'm currently in.

[Eilianna]

zero the last decepticon

isis79

Thank you for judging. I didn't expect to win against vespertine anyway, but to come close in the end was satisfaction for me enough. Thank you Vespertine for dueling against me, and thank you Zero for taking your time to evaluate the poems. Now if I may humbly ask, do you accept my challenge?

Get to me when I finish up with the one that I'm currently in.

Okay. Thank you, sir.

[Adimurti]

*Challenger Name: SemiSuicidal [X]
*Defender Name: SPYdrmn_Bishop_O_Darkness [X]
*Bet: 1.5k
*Judge: Adimurti
*Subject I Prefer: Lost Love
*Form: Open

SemiSuicidal

Why do things turn out this way?
You just go while I stay?
You leave me behind here all alone;
While you move on, free to roam.
Bleeding heart in my hands I slowly die
My last breaths utter "Oh, why; oh, why?"
You didn't give me a second glance;
Why did I ever take this chance?
To have my soul escape from me,
I wanted only for my heart to be free.
But you took it and tore it and left it here,
Without a regret, apology, or tear.
I die of a broken heart this day
I wonder why did things turn out this way?

The Critique: Be sure to spell/grammar check and proof read your work, as even missing things like the above can leave a bad impression on the reader for the rest of the poem. Large parts of this are generic in the context and presentation of your ideas. Try and avoid anything 'predictable' when thinking about your context, like "Why do things turn out this way?/You just go while I stay?/You leave me behind here all alone;". These are things we'd expect to see in the context and in poetry in general. Try to offer something new to the reader so they have something to take away from the piece. Try to look at using more poetic devices and presenting more ideas with imagery and description. You don't need to make the whole poem an image and have the message shadowed by it, but using different poetic devices and creating an aesthetic atmosphere for the reader will make it more interesting, and help you avoid clichés and generic which you've stumbled across, here. Originality is of some importance to writing, as it throws a fresh light over the subject and ideas, which makes the poem more interesting to read, and gives us a view of the situation through your eyes - and whether we like the opinions you give in your perspective or not, it still makes the piece more thought provoking and interesting. (Is the word 'interesting' starting to sound weird to you, too? neutral ) With rhetorical questions, they're hard to pull off with the desired effect, as a lot of the time they don't provide anything to the poem, which makes them more redundant than rhetorical. Instead of asking the questions, try to get the reader to ask the questions for themselves if you really want that kind of feel to your work. Your punctuation is a little varied, which is good. Don't be afraid to play with it to some extent though. Colons dashes and parenthesis/brackets can be pretty effective tools if used well. One thing I'd suggest is trying enjambment. You can utilise enjambment to give certain ideas images and devices by cutting off the line where it 'fits'. Although your rhyme isn't as forced as it could be, the rhymes themselves are pretty predictable, which leads back to the originality opinion of mine (and others). Rhyme is very restrictive on your language choice, and therefore a lot of what you're trying to say gets lost in not being able to say it as effectively as when working in Free-Verse. You have some ideas, I just think you need to work on presenting them more effectively. whee

SPYdrmn_Bishop_O_Darkness

my life is spiralling down in an upward roar,
full of pain and sorrow that wasn't there before.
dreams washed away by crushing words,
hearts shattered like toy glass birds.
drugs and alcohol look so nice,
my feelings are as thin as ice.
my friends live so far far away,
people that loved me won't give the time of day.
my life is in my own hands,
will I save it or blow it away like time's sands?

my life is like a hand
and it feels like I've put on a glove.
suffocated and drowned I've become,
as you push and shove.
throwing words like they aren’t real,
not caring how you make me feel.
my love for you is here longer,
but my thoughts on what you did are stronger.
whether you meant to or not,
you have pushed for my life to stop...

The Critique: Like with SemiSuicidal, be sure to capitalise and spell your your words properly (in the case of the ampersands). The lasting impression on the reader really can effect their opinion unless it's used as an effective poetic device, which in this case it didn't seem to be, or pulled off in such a way that the reader doesn't notice it, which is incredibly difficult to achieve. You have some poetic devices in here; simile, metaphor, you touched [very very briefly] on enjambment, slight description; however I think you'd benefit from going further with them. Some of your ideas here could be taken away and sculpted into something much more effective and beautiful. For example, "like toy glass birds" - there wasn't anything new or 'strong' up until this line, but when I read this part (completely excluding the 'hearts shattered' proceeding it) I got an instant image, and I'll be honest with you, it was a nice image that could have been taken further and I would have liked to have seen more with. Try looking at other poetic devices that would suit the context and inflection of the piece, too. Some parts of it read as almost immature - such as 'drugs and alcohol look so nice'. It's too basic to work effectively. Try to create something from it for the reader. Work on varying your punctuation; at the moment the commas and periods are noticeably repetitive and there's other punctuation that could work much more effectively. Avoid clichéd ideas and the presentation of, like "full of pain and sorrow that wasn't there before./dreams washed away by crushing words," - these are clichéd because in the context they're kind of a given, which means they actually take away more than they give to your work. Chances are, if they're the first things you associate with the subject, they're clichéd - don't avoid subjects that could turn out to be clichéd, just approach them with caution. Like I said, try pinning down the strongest of the ideas in the piece, and run with them! xd


A Note to Both Valiant Duellists: Try reading more work from others (published or otherwise) and thinking of what works and what doesn't. Also, try to get critiques from different people to give you a more comprehensive idea of what could be improved and what can be built on. smile


The Judgement: SPYdrmn_Bishop_O_Darkness wins, on account of the use and exploration of more poetic devices.
Winnings Sent and Accepted

[jillian truant]

cafe - vs - zero
poetic prose, free verse
taboo - an inhibition resulting from social custom or emotional aversion

my simplistic nature is only a facade,
secreting a weather to erode
the principles behind your pretty face.
and brace you for something worse --

like memories of you with me
that stain my hands like nicotine;
showing my red handed
hold on the ulterior motive
between my fingers.

[boy, you never smile
when everyone else is happy.]

I tell myself to expend my
horizons a little and dance with a
newfound someone; something --
with good drugs and a d**k
and a stance that screams for attention,
affection.
and pretend he is you.

and as we toss back brown bottles,
starched and spinning sideways --
putting us on the spot and pointed at
like that game we've never played,

I'll tell myself to make the first move.

[oh boy, I know just what to do with you.]

the bottle spins --

the fist kiss against cold metal.
the first needle in your vein.
our first ******** in the back seat,
with matted hair and powdered noses
from the night before and before
and before.

I'll wake hung over. pills, bottles --
throttled with downers upon downers.
you making noises in your sleep;
nose bleeding on the sheets.

I'm sure you'll understand why
when I vomit on your shoes
on our first date.
and I'll hold your hair; while
you do the same.

NOTES:
+ I feel the need to pretend I am ee cummings.
+ by simplistic, I mean crude.
+ I meant expend. not expand, expend.

[caffine]

Oh shoot I need to fix up my duel with M

[Zero is an Integer]

This is me...taking my sweet-a**-time.

[Sin Apophis]

zero the last decepticon

This is me...taking my sweet-a**-time.

No rush. Matt is here visiting, so I probably wouldn't have time to judge them until after Tuesday, anyway.

[Vaylle]

Catching up, will do the work when I am feeling stronger, dammit it to all hecks and back, twice!

[Vespertine]

Meep.

thank you zero. and sinApo.

And thank you isis. That was surprisingly refreshing. I haven't written anything of substance in months. You gave me a good excuse to.

[Mahayr]

You meeped! Hehehe.

[caffine]

*pokes thread*